Compassion. That's what these recent lean times have taught me. Compassion for myself, compassion for others, compassion. The New York Times requested a word from readers to describe how we felt about the recession and today I submitted: transformed.

I'd also wanted to express my dismay at the recent demise of the Mrs. John L. Strong-luxury stationer. I never ordered any of their pricey products but I so love cards and writing paper, journals, notebooks and handcrafted stationery. I have boxes of note cards and every time I go to Paris I return with beautiful postcards purchased in bulk from the Pompidou Center. Ok, not bulk but 20 or 30 or so, enough to impress the cashier. I also buy sheets of handmade paper and inexpensive recycled paper with envelopes to match. I also look for things to place inside, I once read that Frida Kahlo included feathers and other things in her letters. I am known for heart shaped glitter thingies and on occasion those fortune telling red fish, whose curling tail dictates your level of passion.

I have not kept up with my letter writing even though people have come to mind and my boxes of beautiful note cards gather dust...........I have not been in the mood, and I don't have a stash of the new Simpson stamps either, the last time I wrote someone postage was still 42cents. I also love buying interesting stamps, they make me happy. I'll admit I have not done my part to insure that the art of letter writing is not dead.

I am also reminded of Helen Sclair, the cemetery lady here in Chicago. I took one of her classes and she had loads of stories and history to share about cemeteries. Chicago has so many great ones, she and another great cemetery historian Al Walovich, bring them to life. Helen said that in times past people knew how to act when people hung black bunting or wore a black arm band or when they received a card bordered in black..........People knew when someone was grieving or suffered a loss, you just knew how to act and if you were grieving how you wanted/needed to be treated. I think I need bunting or colors or something to let my friends know exactly how I'm feeling and what the very least they can expect from me, when I am not at my top socializing level.

I have Emily Post's book of Etiquette as well as her biography. I haven't delved into either of the tomes, but will share interesting info when I do. So perhaps I should send my condolences to Mrs. John L. Strong and a thank you card to the universe for lessons learned. Tomorrow we start a small job and I am grateful.

Yesterday I was cranky and felt rather hopeless about everything. Even though I had learned about Ruth St. Denis and her costumes made me very happy as did her use of kohl eyeliner, and I had greatly enjoyed a Spanish film called Unconscious because it was set in 1913 Spain and there was lots of Art Nuveau and again the costumes were great..............I still felt it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to keep a good conversation flowing. I am not currently flowing, I'm concerned about the lack of work and next month's bills and I have been impatient with the universe and myself. I did manage a conversation with a friend and she made me laugh when she mentioned one of her sister's believes there's a lot of truth or reflection of life in quotes from the Godfather movies!!! She happened to use one on my friend from the scene where Connie introduces a new boyfriend to Michael and he disaproves...........uses lines like "I don't know.....this guy"..........and on and on. There's more that made it funny and I hope my nephew has the movie in his collection so I can find the scene and perhaps improve my whole outlook with more quotes from the Godfather.
Today I was inspired by Christoph Niemann's blog in the New York Times as well as Oxier Muhammed's Harlem photos. Christoph is an artist who moved to Berlin with his wife and 3 sons. He wove paper and created images to accompany his thoughts about the Berlin wall. I checked out some of his previous posts and they were so clever and interesting. History of his growing appreciation of coffee drawn out on napkins, using Legos to construct New York memories and more. He reminded me of one of my favorite photographers: Duane Michals master in the art of photographic narrative. I was enthralled with Duane's sense of humor and his ability to tell stories and how he drew you in to his photos, only to be fooled by the ending shot or the overview of the entire piece. I created a few of my own pieces and realized I loved black and white photography and I loved writing - another black and white media. I loved the process of getting the idea out quickly. In my recent dejected, dullard mode, I'd forgotten one of my passions. I'm even afraid to call it a passion because I'm feeling so lackluster and unworthy...............but creating photo stories was fun. Seems I've become best friend to writer's block, think he's an Aries with a penchant for disco.......
I was equally moved today with Ozier Muhammed's photographs, mostly because he described it as walking on sacred space and that even though many great photographers had already taken wonderful shots of Harlem, he would continue to take photos, because he loved it so. Passion. Passion, that's what I'm talking about and that's what I'm missing.

Yesterday I went to see the new Star Trek movie. Loved it. I used my AMC gift card, last year's birthday present from my mom and nephew. I had to run some errands and I was downtown so I went to the AMC theaters on Illinois. My favorite character was Bones. Can't help but love a handsome, clever, surly man. I had some nachos and a diet coke. I was grateful for the gift card. I was grateful for the 13 coupons from Pete's Pizza we (my nephew and myself) used for a free large pizza last Friday and I was equally grateful for the Coke rewards points sufficient for me to order a year of O Magazine.

I was grateful I'd shopped earlier in the year and bought a totes leopardskin umbrella for me mum as well as some Burt's Bees products I scored from TJ Maxx. I was able to honor my mother on Sunday with things she likes. I was equally grateful for my thoughtful nephew who cooked a great meal for his grandmother (my mom) on Mother's day and included me in the celebration.

Living in gratitude today with a dose of optimism.

This morning I enjoyed the last bit of yesterday's coffee, chilled to perfection and sweetened with Tupalo honey and some half and half. I find it hard to waste anything now, I even saved the last of the brown rice I made, enough to wrap in seaweed for an interesting snack. I am having the most interesting meals and find that I am generally eating three meals a day and I may even be losing weight!!! Now if I could pull myself from my eternal state of lethargy to exercise, I'd be able to nominate myself as the Biggest Loser, instead of just feeling like the biggest loser...............pity party, no hope in sight...............I'd be happier if I was working or at least able to return to a state of optimism.

Meditation in the morning helps. Creative visualization provides giggles in action. My own twisted sense of humor buoys my spirits, but right now I am concerned about my checking account. Mother's Day is Sunday and I have to be lovingly creative in order to honor my mom. She is getting a totes leopard skin umbrella and some Burt's bees products. I have shopped so much in the past that I am able to shop in my apartment, thank goodness. I think I will make a card.

I put off depositing my last check until Monday and then I'll run around to make payments. I'll also try to find a credit card I could use to pay some bills and Suze Orman and other financial wizards have all said that you know you're in trouble if you're paying bills with credit cards. Well I misplaced the card that would help me pay a bill or two...............I have been like a deer in the headlights and it is time to wake up and drink yesterday's coffee.

My dear friend, Jean Tindle, www.spiritdancercrystals.com recently hosted two women healers from Peru. She wrote about her experience in one of their ceremonies and it served to inspire me............"In a medicine ceremony such as the one we did Friday night, there are many ways things can go. I have participated in many ceremonies in the last 10 years, directed by many different healers. All are powerful in their own way, and there is always healing that occurs, both as a group and personally. What I have begun to notice is that there comes a point in many of the ceremonies where the heavens open up, you are there in all of that light, and at that moment, you can ask for whatever you want and it will be given to you. What Ysabel did as she wove our energies into the light, and cleared away all obstacles, was to use that point of openness, point it out to all of us, so that we could ask for what we wanted at exactly the moment this opening became available. The energy of the group enhanced this opening and made it more powerul. Of course, whether we choose to receive what we asked for is entirely up to each person in the ceremony. As I write this it occurs to me that this opening is here for us all the time, the plant is simply showing us, making it obvious and putting us int he place where we are completely open to receive if we choose."

I was comforted when she said the opening is here for us all the time, so that I don't feel I missed something by not being able to participate in the ceremony. It also is of great comfort to know that I being led to new discovery about myself. I know I am not really this depressed, underachiever. I seem to require more prodding.

I can relate to Oprah's and recently Kirstie Alley's weight gain. Such a vicious cycle and a prize that feels out of our grasp. But not really, I will speak for myself and think perhaps that at the moment, ok for the past few years, I lost track of my true self and the padding has served to keep me off track.

Cinco de Mayo! - that was yesterday. I celebrated with a small glass of bottled Barcardi Mojito.............wishing I had purchased a bottle of Margarita instead and then hating myself for not channeling Martha and making my drink with fresh ingredients. I found a jar of Kalamata olives and I was happy.

Work has been slow and I am concerned about paying my bills on time and making the most of what I can forage from my mother's pantry and my own pantry. My pantry has become the catch all for my over flow of books and storage. When I lived in Los Angeles, I once made a meal of canned beets and popcorn, the beet juice soaked the popcorn and ruined my mood and the meager fixings I had so eagerly anticipated.

Stocking my pantry is a dream for me in these lean times. I fantasize a Costco spree where I can load up on oatmeal, artichoke hearts, coffee, walnuts, almonds, cheese, pasta, cream, crackers, toilet paper,maple syrup, Clorox wipes, fish, meat, hot wings and eggs. Of course I'd be tempted to buy things not on my list and I would be happy. I had a friend in LA, Linda, an attorney, who said she felt better when her cupboards were well stocked and now I understand. She was a brilliant woman with beautiful kids and a ready smile and the last time I saw her she had lost a lot of weight and we greeted each other from across the room, only later did I hear that she had been diagnosed with cancer and died. I have fond memories of consuming mass quantities Long Island Iced Teas and eating at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and shopping with her. She surprised me with a pair of brass earrings in the shape of the great Pyramids, I had admired but couldn't afford. I decided to toss some frozen strawberries in the blender along with some more of the bottled mojito and it was not bad.

Here's to Linda, full cupboards and cocktails with friends.