This morning I enjoyed the last bit of yesterday's coffee, chilled to perfection and sweetened with Tupalo honey and some half and half. I find it hard to waste anything now, I even saved the last of the brown rice I made, enough to wrap in seaweed for an interesting snack. I am having the most interesting meals and find that I am generally eating three meals a day and I may even be losing weight!!! Now if I could pull myself from my eternal state of lethargy to exercise, I'd be able to nominate myself as the Biggest Loser, instead of just feeling like the biggest loser...............pity party, no hope in sight...............I'd be happier if I was working or at least able to return to a state of optimism.

Meditation in the morning helps. Creative visualization provides giggles in action. My own twisted sense of humor buoys my spirits, but right now I am concerned about my checking account. Mother's Day is Sunday and I have to be lovingly creative in order to honor my mom. She is getting a totes leopard skin umbrella and some Burt's bees products. I have shopped so much in the past that I am able to shop in my apartment, thank goodness. I think I will make a card.

I put off depositing my last check until Monday and then I'll run around to make payments. I'll also try to find a credit card I could use to pay some bills and Suze Orman and other financial wizards have all said that you know you're in trouble if you're paying bills with credit cards. Well I misplaced the card that would help me pay a bill or two...............I have been like a deer in the headlights and it is time to wake up and drink yesterday's coffee.

My dear friend, Jean Tindle, www.spiritdancercrystals.com recently hosted two women healers from Peru. She wrote about her experience in one of their ceremonies and it served to inspire me............"In a medicine ceremony such as the one we did Friday night, there are many ways things can go. I have participated in many ceremonies in the last 10 years, directed by many different healers. All are powerful in their own way, and there is always healing that occurs, both as a group and personally. What I have begun to notice is that there comes a point in many of the ceremonies where the heavens open up, you are there in all of that light, and at that moment, you can ask for whatever you want and it will be given to you. What Ysabel did as she wove our energies into the light, and cleared away all obstacles, was to use that point of openness, point it out to all of us, so that we could ask for what we wanted at exactly the moment this opening became available. The energy of the group enhanced this opening and made it more powerul. Of course, whether we choose to receive what we asked for is entirely up to each person in the ceremony. As I write this it occurs to me that this opening is here for us all the time, the plant is simply showing us, making it obvious and putting us int he place where we are completely open to receive if we choose."

I was comforted when she said the opening is here for us all the time, so that I don't feel I missed something by not being able to participate in the ceremony. It also is of great comfort to know that I being led to new discovery about myself. I know I am not really this depressed, underachiever. I seem to require more prodding.

I can relate to Oprah's and recently Kirstie Alley's weight gain. Such a vicious cycle and a prize that feels out of our grasp. But not really, I will speak for myself and think perhaps that at the moment, ok for the past few years, I lost track of my true self and the padding has served to keep me off track.